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:iconmegsamirafauth:
* I’m a mountain

XD Other than that, this is without grammatical flaw (that I can see, anyway).

I guess I'll start by saying that I appreciate how long this poem is. I have a fondness for longer poems. I don't know why, but I do! :)

It was well-written and the tempo and rhythm changes made it interesting to read. I can relate to this poem a lot, btw. Wow, this critique is turning out silly. Okay. Here are some problems I ran into. I'm not sure if you did some of these things on purpose and I'm misreading, or if they are just mistakes:

"I might hear not your voice"
I'm not sure if you were going for a classic poetry type thingy there, but, to me, it was distracting. I think keeping it like the rest of the lines before it would fit better (just my opinion). Like:
"I might not hear your voice"
I also noticed you were using the word 'may' at first, then changed it to 'might'. I don't have any opinion on that. Just thought I'd point it out, encase it was an unconscious change. xD I do stuff like that a lot.

"to know you're feeling"
Do you mean 'to know HOW you're feeling'? Or to know that that person has feelings? That's one I wasn't sure if you missed a word by mistake, or it was intentional. Thought I'd point that one out too. xDD

"keeping safe,"
Is that also missing a word in-between, or intentional?

"So I try to dig you out
until my hands bleed
and runs down your face
mixing with our tears"
I think this is my favorite stanza in the whole poem, except I'm not sure how to picture it, because of the wording. This is my question, is the blood mixing with the tears? Or the hands? I assume the blood. But I could be wrong. The way it's worded is a little confusing. Maybe you could try something like this:
"So I try to dig you out
until my hands bleed
My blood running down your face
and mixing with our tears"
or
"So I try to dig you out
until my hands bleed
And it runs down your face
mixing with our tears"

Also I don't understand how the blood is mixing with both yours and the other person's tears? Maybe I'm not getting the whole picture. If I look at it more figuratively, I can see what it means, actually. But I also wonder if you meant 'your'?
Anyway, I just really love that stanza, despite it's wording. :)

Those are my little nit-picks. I would say that in the future when writing poems, make sure to read each line to make sure the point is crystal clear and can't be misunderstood or confused. Also, keep up with the figurative language and description. That's the most important part of a poem, imo. :) Good job on this! You have a lot of potential as a writer. Keep it up.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
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Comments


:iconmalcomblack:
malcomblack Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
she writes first then I respond
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:iconmegsamirafauth:
It's a beautiful poem. :)
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:iconmegsamirafauth:
"A conversation between the two of us"
Yes, I read that. I'm not really sure what you mean by it. XD
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:iconmalcomblack:
malcomblack Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
actually this was done by me and someone else at the same time.....a conversation in poetry
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:iconmegsamirafauth:
I guess what im asking is who wrote what? XD
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